That's so me..

The other day I was talking to a friend I’d not seen in a fair while and, as usual - Since it would seem you can’t speak to me for more than 10 minutes without it coming up - I was telling him with unabashed excitement about my summer plans. I ranted happily about how I would be working in a school all summer, and before I could even get onto the joy at having a month to travel the states at the end he jumped in and said with total certainty ‘That is SO you. You’ll love it.’

He was right. It is, and I will. Well I hope I will. But I found myself feeling just a little annoyed, how could one thing be quite so instantly recognizably me. Surely there were a thousand different things that could all be equally me and not me all at the same time. I am more excited than I’ve ever been for this summer to arrive, it does feel so me but equally it feels like someone nothing like me is doing, like a Molly from an alternate universe is really the one going to camp. Because, let’s be honest, I don’t feel in anyway together enough to be heading off for 3 months of work on another continent.

I’m 21 and it scares me that people can fit me into neat categories in their heads. I know that to certain people I’m one of many shapes, but still I fit that shape in their head. I’m frequently seen as the trainee teacher, the young carer, the volunteer, the youth worker, the daughter, the friend. They’re all true and correct, but on their own they each feel a little alien. Like it could almost be true, but the shoe doesn’t quite fit.

I’m beginning to realise that I’m more of a collection of pieces, a jigsaw if you will. I’m all those things that people perceive and many more that perhaps don’t shine so obviously in my day to day life. In fact, in my confusion and exploration of all those things people say are so me, and all those that feel very me to me, I began to list all those things that I could say truly were so me.

A traveller. And a home bird.

A girl who wants to learn, anything and everything.

An introvert. Yet still, a little of an extrovert.

A lover of spontaneity, yet a hater of changed plans.

A rule follower. Perhaps to a fault.

A seeker of experiences.

A friend to anyone in need.

A kid at heart. Sometimes just a kid in general.

An artist. On some level at least.

Someone looking to do right.

A 21 year old still discovering what she wants. What she is. And what she could be.

I’m a patchwork of things, all of which could be so very very me, but that me changes daily and I find myself looking at all the other things I could be. Should I know now what is me? I don’t know how to begin to know what is me and what is the person I want to be. How much of what is perceived to be me is merely other people’s expectations? Or perhaps their expectations exist purely because I’m already on my way?