That's so me..

The other day I was talking to a friend I’d not seen in a fair while and, as usual - Since it would seem you can’t speak to me for more than 10 minutes without it coming up - I was telling him with unabashed excitement about my summer plans. I ranted happily about how I would be working in a school all summer, and before I could even get onto the joy at having a month to travel the states at the end he jumped in and said with total certainty ‘That is SO you. You’ll love it.’

He was right. It is, and I will. Well I hope I will. But I found myself feeling just a little annoyed, how could one thing be quite so instantly recognizably me. Surely there were a thousand different things that could all be equally me and not me all at the same time. I am more excited than I’ve ever been for this summer to arrive, it does feel so me but equally it feels like someone nothing like me is doing, like a Molly from an alternate universe is really the one going to camp. Because, let’s be honest, I don’t feel in anyway together enough to be heading off for 3 months of work on another continent.

I’m 21 and it scares me that people can fit me into neat categories in their heads. I know that to certain people I’m one of many shapes, but still I fit that shape in their head. I’m frequently seen as the trainee teacher, the young carer, the volunteer, the youth worker, the daughter, the friend. They’re all true and correct, but on their own they each feel a little alien. Like it could almost be true, but the shoe doesn’t quite fit.

I’m beginning to realise that I’m more of a collection of pieces, a jigsaw if you will. I’m all those things that people perceive and many more that perhaps don’t shine so obviously in my day to day life. In fact, in my confusion and exploration of all those things people say are so me, and all those that feel very me to me, I began to list all those things that I could say truly were so me.

A traveller. And a home bird.

A girl who wants to learn, anything and everything.

An introvert. Yet still, a little of an extrovert.

A lover of spontaneity, yet a hater of changed plans.

A rule follower. Perhaps to a fault.

A seeker of experiences.

A friend to anyone in need.

A kid at heart. Sometimes just a kid in general.

An artist. On some level at least.

Someone looking to do right.

A 21 year old still discovering what she wants. What she is. And what she could be.

I’m a patchwork of things, all of which could be so very very me, but that me changes daily and I find myself looking at all the other things I could be. Should I know now what is me? I don’t know how to begin to know what is me and what is the person I want to be. How much of what is perceived to be me is merely other people’s expectations? Or perhaps their expectations exist purely because I’m already on my way?

Monday's Magic Moments

As I’ve said before, the next few months are pretty hectic with work, planning and visa applications demanding a lot of my time and causing a fair bit of stress and anxiety. These aren’t emotions that are alien to me, I’ve in fact spent and I’m still spending a lot of time working on ways to manage the ways I deal with such issues. Recently I’ve been focussing on limiting the stress inducing factors in my life. The luxury of my job is that, unless and actual event is happening, I can work pretty much wherever I want, whenever I want; with the exception of regular meetings and sessions.  I’ve been using that to start a little later on a Monday (an actual cup of tea in the morning is lovely), work a little later some nights if I want to meet friends during the day and sometimes just work from home hanging out with my part time pups. While sometimes the stressful things are the most important ones and I find myself just needing to suck it up and get on with it I have also discovered that if stress can’t be cut it can surely be balanced out. For every stressful moment I am striving to achieve at least one joyful moment.

So that’s where I am now. Monday morning, looking back over the week gone by and counting up those magic moments. Did Monday feel more blessed or stressed? How was my Friday, was the weekend one to be remembered. Sadly, the past week was definitely more on the stressed side, with time spent in dreary passport offices and battling with terminally slow embassy websites. It has given me one thing to be thankful for, this post, in fact this idea, Mondays post will now be a collection of my ‘magic moments’ from the week before and any goals I have for the following week. If I can list just 7 mini goals for the week ahead (that’s just one a day) that could add happiness to the day, whether it be a small moment or a bigger completion of a once stressful goal, I may just begin to see a happier less stressful perspective on my week. Although last week I didn’t list 7 goals I do still have a few moments that I would say I was thankful for and that reminded me to smile.

The magic moments gone by.

Isn't she just the cutest.

Last week I spent time with my little brother and my sister’s new puppy. Being an ‘aunt’ to that little pup is just so much fun and she never fails to bring a smile to my face, whether she’s racing around chewing on anything in site, begging you to take her on a walk or just sleeping on the sofa, she adds a brilliant element of life to the room and gets everyone talking and laughing.

This Giant cup of hot chocolate, it was honestly bigger than my face! While waiting for my passport last week I found that I had 4 hours to kill in Durham, and while I could have used it to explore the beautiful old town the weather was definitely against that idea. Instead I bought a new book (Canada by Richard Ford, I’m about a third of the way through and thoroughly enjoying it by the way.), found a comfy seat in a coffee shop, and curled up with that gigantic hot chocolate and a cake for 4 hours. It was a perfect afternoon of chilling, and while in the past I might have stressed out about all the things I could have been doing with that time, instead I just embraced every second of it. It was lovely!

He wore that hat for a good 20 minutes!

So it would seem this week has been a little bit dog themed. On Friday night my adopted pup Bobby came to stay for the weekend. He is primarily my friend’s dog, but because of her hectic lifestyle over the past couple of years we have developed an arrangement in which we dog share so that both Bobby and her get time to chill. I love it when he comes to stay as I get nonstop cuddles and have an excuse for walks in the park, not that I should need them. So there we have it my happy moments from this week. Now for the challenge a look at what could make the next week even more magic!

Magic moments mini goals.

• Cook something new, whether it is baking, cooking or just throwing together a fancy salad. Cook something from scratch and then sit down and enjoy.
  
  
• Meet up with someone I’ve not seen in a while. Lots of my friends are at universities in cites up and down the country, living abroad or working fulltime so we rarely get a chance to meet up, but with people home this week I want to make it my mission to see someone, and actually spend time with them, whom I don’t see that often.
  
  
• Visit somewhere new. A new restaurant, café, bar, park, shop, you name it, it counts.
  
  
• Do something on my own. Anything, just enjoy the time spent with nobody but my own thoughts.
  
  
• Have dinner with my mum. Sit down, home cooked dinner.
  
  
• Keep my room clean and tidy for the week. Maybe not the most joyful but if I succeed it would definitely make me feel happier to see a tidy space day in day out!
  
  
• Paint my nails. It has been weeks months since I last actually sat down and painted my nails. Not only does that mean they look a mess but the thought of sitting down and painting them pretty colours is now just about the most exciting thing I think of!
  

There we have it. Seven goals for seven days filled with magic moments. Would you believe that I found this bit really tricky, to think of things that would make me feel less stressed, or happier, was almost the most stressful bit of this post. I know that I want them to be things that make me feel something, excitement, or calm, or happiness, but it is so hard to think of things that will have that effect without having tried them before. So this list is more of a list of things I hope will have the desired effects. Who knows, maybe this will always prove a challenge or maybe as weeks go by, finding 7 things to sprinkle joy into my life will become easier.

If you were to pick just one thing to add a magic moment to your week what would that be? 

This story is just the beginning

So here I am, with my brand new blog and my eager beaver self, ready to get started. But what do you want to know. What I had for breakfast? Where my ultimate holiday would be? What my favourite colour is? Or maybe you want to know why I started this here blog? And that girls and boys is what I'm gonna answer.

Now we all know that a good story starts at the beginning and has a middle and an end, which is inevitably followed by the beginning of the next story and so on and so forth. This story though, starts at the end of the tale before, and well, as you'll see I'm not quite sure if we've made it beyond the start of the next one let alone to the fairy tale ending anytime soon. 

Let’s start at the end shall we. 

Results day bubbly with the dad

Once upon a time, May 2012 to be precise. There lived a hardworking 19 year old molly. She’d worked her butt off for 3 years to overcome naysayers and was, at last, graduating college. Fancy International Baccalaureate diploma in hand she confirmed her place at a top red brick university and I was ready to take on the world. That summer she spent a month backpacking Germany with her best friends and exploring bits of Eastern Europe. Life was decidedly rosy.

Obligatory Berlin bear with the besties.

When September hit she began her dream degree in American History and Literature and carried on following that good old guidebook to life, the one that’s so often preached at you in school. You know the one, follow High School road to University Avenue, after 3 years carry straight on over to Career Highway, optional detours to Wedding Town and Baby Boulevard allowed. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with people who choose those things and follow that path. In fact for years that was my goal in life, to follow that yellow brick road and live a regular happy sparkly life.

But as you've probably guessed, that isn't quite how things went down. By December little miss molly had realized she did not want to be at that university (a story for a different day) and by February was back living at home, although not quite ready to give up on following the traditional path. She signed up for a new course. Primary Education in fact, right here in Newcastle and got ready, once again, to begin the rest of her life. Once again it was not to be she found myself struggling and took yet another break.

Now a year on since she first walked away from uni and 2 months on from the most recent detour she's found herself re-evaluating what  she really want from life. At 21 she was stepping off the map and exploring what was really around her for the first time. She happy to be looking for her happily ever beginning.

The End.. and The Beginning.

So there you have it. I have 10 months left to decide if university is for me, 10 months to travel, explore, and see the world. I don’t expect to have chosen a career in these 10 months or have got myself back on track. I’m using them to figure out where I want to be, to reroute the map, rewrite the guide book and smell as many roses as possible along the way. Gosh darn that was a lot of clichés and I've got one more for you. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said ‘Life is a journey, not a destination.'  (oops still an American literature nerd)