That's so me..

The other day I was talking to a friend I’d not seen in a fair while and, as usual - Since it would seem you can’t speak to me for more than 10 minutes without it coming up - I was telling him with unabashed excitement about my summer plans. I ranted happily about how I would be working in a school all summer, and before I could even get onto the joy at having a month to travel the states at the end he jumped in and said with total certainty ‘That is SO you. You’ll love it.’

He was right. It is, and I will. Well I hope I will. But I found myself feeling just a little annoyed, how could one thing be quite so instantly recognizably me. Surely there were a thousand different things that could all be equally me and not me all at the same time. I am more excited than I’ve ever been for this summer to arrive, it does feel so me but equally it feels like someone nothing like me is doing, like a Molly from an alternate universe is really the one going to camp. Because, let’s be honest, I don’t feel in anyway together enough to be heading off for 3 months of work on another continent.

I’m 21 and it scares me that people can fit me into neat categories in their heads. I know that to certain people I’m one of many shapes, but still I fit that shape in their head. I’m frequently seen as the trainee teacher, the young carer, the volunteer, the youth worker, the daughter, the friend. They’re all true and correct, but on their own they each feel a little alien. Like it could almost be true, but the shoe doesn’t quite fit.

I’m beginning to realise that I’m more of a collection of pieces, a jigsaw if you will. I’m all those things that people perceive and many more that perhaps don’t shine so obviously in my day to day life. In fact, in my confusion and exploration of all those things people say are so me, and all those that feel very me to me, I began to list all those things that I could say truly were so me.

A traveller. And a home bird.

A girl who wants to learn, anything and everything.

An introvert. Yet still, a little of an extrovert.

A lover of spontaneity, yet a hater of changed plans.

A rule follower. Perhaps to a fault.

A seeker of experiences.

A friend to anyone in need.

A kid at heart. Sometimes just a kid in general.

An artist. On some level at least.

Someone looking to do right.

A 21 year old still discovering what she wants. What she is. And what she could be.

I’m a patchwork of things, all of which could be so very very me, but that me changes daily and I find myself looking at all the other things I could be. Should I know now what is me? I don’t know how to begin to know what is me and what is the person I want to be. How much of what is perceived to be me is merely other people’s expectations? Or perhaps their expectations exist purely because I’m already on my way?

32 Things That Make Me Happy

This weeks been a little bit of an odd one and I've been feeling a little off. Not sad as such, but not crazy happy either. In reality I know my weeks been pretty good I've had loads of nice work and subsequent funtime adventures with my work chums,  but there has also been loads of not blogging and an awful lot of missing my Canadian bestie. A mixed bag you could say. So when I saw that Erin over at Two Thirds Hazel and Sarah at Venus Trapped in Mars were hosting a 32 things that make me happy link up I just had to hop on board. As I've said before It's really important to take the time to stop and smell the roses.

At first, feeling the way I am today I thought 32 was an annoyingly large number of happy things, but thinking like that what was the point of even taking part. So I got down to it and by number 10 I was feeling a 1000 times better about everything. Taking the time to remember the little happy things really does change everything. 

1) Spring finally showing up to the party - we might still have April showers to get through but it's only gonna get sunnier from here.

2) I finally have a dinner date arranged with all my work girls.

3) I fly to Czech Republic in 19 days..

4) That by volunteering/doing the things I love I get trips to Prague and to see my Newcastle's of The World family again.

 

5) Nachos and fajitas.
 
6) Its Easter so all my besties are returning from the far flung university lands.

7) Pizza slices bigger than my face.

 

The photo doesn't do it justice. The face does.
There was just SO much pizza for a girl who'd been eating 1 meal a day for 10 days!

8) Skype conversations with the Canadian cutie.

9) The smell of new books, and being able to curl up and read until your eyes can't read anymore.

10) Breakfast in bed.

11) Heading out into the countryside and hiking for the day - instant smiles.

12) Hanging out with any and all of my puppy friends.

13) Stumbling upon free tickets for gigs and shows that turn out to be amazing.

14) Playing dress up with all the ridiculous clothes In my wardrobe, just because.

She might kill me for this...

15) Waking up every morning to my playlist and dancing around my bedroom.

16) In 11 weeks I will be living in America just starting work at my school for the summer.

17) I'll be meeting all my Camp America group for the first time on Saturday!!

18)    Self explanatory really..

 

19) Trying out a new recipe, good or bad it's always fun.

20) Getting the chance to work at some fantastic festivals before I leave this summer!

21) Lazy days with my brother and sister.

22) Moto GP is back... And I couldn't be happier, so much excitement.  

23) Rossi.

A little too obsessed. Source.

24) Binge watching crappy tv in my pjamas. Teen mom 2 may have been marathoned on Sunday

25) Looking at my American Visa.

26) Rearranging my room and filling it with pastel cushions and big fluffy quilts.

27) Going to bed before 10pm... Grandma. sorry not sorry.

28) Having my computer back and working.

29) Putting on a new dress and it fitting just right.

30) My backpack.

31) Having a haircut that requires zero effort. Too lazy but Its true.

32) Knowing that I could keep on listing happy things for a long long time.

There you have it 32 things that make me as happy as a llama wearing a bowtie. Oh theres another one.

33) Llamas wearing bowties... named george.

Oops things are getting a little wierd around here now so i'm gonna leave you with this no matter how bad you might be feeling theres always something that willmake you smile, whether it's llamas in bowties, planning a trip, watching tv or chatting to your friends. Look for a positive and theres often one to be found.

Oh and you should head on over and link up with Angela at Cuddles & Cartoons for her this made me happy link up, i'm a little late as usal but, it's always refreshing to dose up on positivity just before a new week starts.
 

Imagine the worst, live the best

Two weeks ago I posted my first ‘magic moments’ post, all grand intentions, it was going to be a weekly post, filled with positivity and plans for the week ahead. I didn’t want my Mondays to just be the same old weekend recaps – I mean I don’t think my weekends are ever even exciting enough for a recap. But as someone who suffers from anxiety I am always looking for new ways to find the silver lining in situations and to make sure I’m getting the most out of my weeks. Hence, Mondays magic moments… now 2 weeks have gone by and as I mentioned last week just kind of, didn’t go to plan, and I’ve got to rethinking the weekly post. It’s now going to be a monthly post partly because my weeks aren’t that interesting and mainly because I like the sound of monthly magic moments better, so check back in a couple of weeks to see how I’ve got on in my mission to add a little bit of happiness to my days.

entirely unrelated duck and daffodils - spring is here!

Magic moments don’t have to be created through goals or challenges though, and I am a firm believer that even the most negative or worrisome of tasks can have positivity buried within them.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve had a fair few jobs to do both for work, Camp America and just day to day life that have been causing me anxiety. A good example is my embassy appointment last week, It was a new situation, in a new environment with something pretty important relying on me completing everything successfully – my visa. Safe to say, I was pretty darn nervous. Equally my friends were sick of hearing me whinge on about all the possible things that could go wrong, what if I slept in and missed it, what if I couldn’t find the embassy, what if they decided they didn’t want me to get a visa. Yup, there were a lot of worries going through my head and a fair few sleepless nights over something that I now know to be not even a little bit tricky. However, amongst all my worrying I found myself hearing the same thing over and over again from well-meaning friends.

“Don’t worry about it, think positively”

Now I don’t know about you but I’ve heard that advice a million times in my life time and I’ve never quite got it. To start with, if I’m half way through a panic attack and imaging every possible horrific scenario – how exactly do you expect me to suddenly start imagining everything going perfectly? And on the occasions that I did think ‘positively’ and imagine success I was often faced with disappointment at the other side. If the reality of the situation didn’t live up to my imaginary one I was left feeling distinctly let down. The reality could never live up to the imagined.

So, I propose another way to approach those anxiety ridden situations. I thought that doesn’t force you to think positively, in fact some might say its negative. For me though, it works.

“Imagine the worst that can happen”

Now we’ve all heard the saying ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ which challenges you to consider what could go wrong, but is often presented to you in as an offhand comment. I know I often hear “Now Molly, don’t worry so much, think positively, what’s the worst that can really happen?” I don’t know why people even ask me to be honest; I can definitely create a worst case scenario.

I say screw them. Imagine the worst that can happen, and I’m talking the absolute worst. Going to school with no clothes on, calling the teach mum and peeing yourself all in the same day worst. Imagine that hideously horrible event, feel every emotion, genuinely live that worst case scenario in your head. It’s a safe happy place, mines normally filled with cute pictures of cats and lavish travel plans, so if you can test out things going wrong anywhere your imaginations a good place to start. Act out all the different scenarios in your mind and test out all the reactions you could have and come to terms with any unknowns in the situation.

I know it sounds like a negative attitude but I’ve found I can then tackle whatever event is worrying me with a new sense of confidence. No matter what happens I’ve already lived through the worst, I know I can handle it because really, our imaginations are capable of concocting far worse scenarios than the real world is ever likely to show us. If you can survive your own imagination you can conquer your fears and step out into the world ready to take on any challenge.

You should always try to find the positivity in the negative and turn the fear into a magic moment. I’m learning increasingly that nerves and excitement are one and the same they both fill you with the adrenalin needed to take on a situation, and equally (at least for me) dread at what is ahead. I think that as long as you handle your nerves successfully then both can be crucial parts of moving forward, and can even prove to be the energiser for your success. I can think of countless presentations at uni that I’m sure looking back, wouldn’t have been half as good had I not had those nerves there reminding me to try my best.

This has felt like a weird post to write, and ironically one I’ve felt pretty anxious about, to lay out one of my coping methods for criticism on the internet feels far from safe. Yet in an effort to seek new ways of understanding my anxiety I wanted to open up and put it out there. I would love to know if you have any tips for overcoming nerves or anxiety. Do you think positively, or like me, find imagining the worst a better strategy?